No-one steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and you’re not the same person. (adapted from Heraclitus)
As we begin September after months of seismic change in all aspects of our lives, a new set of challenges and opportunities present themselves. There is no question we are living in a highly dynamic environment and I know I’ve said it before but it seems to me that as we enter this next phase we need to look after ourselves and each other more than ever.
One way of doing this is by consciously creating space for uninterrupted listening. Good listening habits are going to be incredibly valuable in the coming weeks. At the core of empathic listening is listening to understand rather than what we so often do – listening to respond. Listening for understanding involves using repetition to check what you think you have heard, repeat using exactly the words that were said and don’t add anything new. Reflect on the feelings that are being expressed and most importantly don’t feel compelled to fill silences.
To help create the context for high quality listening you need to:
- Pay attention to the feelings being expressed
- Do not put your feelings in the place of others. Hold back on your own feelings and ideas
- Communicate responsively to show you understand
- Do not interrupt
- Ask good questions
A useful tool is the ‘Heard, Seen, Respected’ (Henry Lipmanowicz & Keith McCandless) approach but you should only use this if you are confident it can be used constructively and in a safe space. With a group it has four steps for people working in pairs (if it is a high trust group you can do it in threes with two participants and one observer who then feeds back to the pair):
- With a partner tell a story about a time when you were NOT heard, seen or respected (make sure this nothing too personal or painful). Allow 5 -7 minutes for each story
- When you are listening you should only ask questions, do not offer an opinion or try and ‘fix’ something
- Swap roles and repeat the above
- Reflect on the process
What this is likely to reveal is how common it is for people to experience not being heard, seen or respected.
I would only use the exercise if you are really confident you can facilitate it well and there is enough trust in the group to participate. However, it can also be a useful tool for self-reflection. Think about a time when you did and didn’t feel heard and acknowledged:
- What were the differences between the two?
- What were the factors that helped you feel heard?
- What were the factors that meant you didn’t feel heard?
- How might you adapt your own approach to listening as a result?
- what will you do differently as a result?
I recently had an online conversation with someone I don’t know very well about a collaborative project. As the discussion went on, I could sense the conversation was a bit laboured. After giving her some space to talk it emerged that she was due to be physically back at work today and she was very anxious about what would be likely to happen and was particularly concerned about her journey into her workplace. I didn’t do anything special I just let her talk and share her feelings about what was going on for her. We then returned to our work together when she felt ready.
We need to pace ourselves at the moment and give each other the space and support to be heard, seen and respected.